Things to come

2008-12-30T12:20:00.004-07:00

After finding the courage to write it all down, and to share with the only person that I really needed to share it with, I've found that my fear was justified. In saying what needed to be said, everything I didn't want to believe was confirmed.

I won't go into the details of everything, but I can say a few things.

Yes, I am hurt, I feel devastated, but thus is life. Out of the last few months, I have experienced just a taste of what is to come, both the joy, and the pain. But what I got out of it outweighs all of the pain. I have someone I can talk to about anything. I have a friend so similar and yet so different.

In time the pain will pass, and life will go on. I'm not going to dwell, as that doesn't make anything better. All I can do is remember the good things I felt, and use them to prepare for the next leg of the race know as life. I've barely made it over but the first hurdle.

I don't want to be depressed, and I don't want to cry anymore. If anything, I should feel happy that I finally have the answers I've been looking for. And soon I will feel that. I have nothing to regret.

I am fine.

Something that's been put off for entirely too long...

2008-12-29T21:12:00.002-07:00

Before I begin, I'd like to say a few things about me. I'm 18, and up until a few months ago, I've never found anything worth actually writing down and sharing. Those who know me well enough should know that if something can drive me to writing, then it's a fairly big deal. Oftentimes, I try to keep things short, and to the point. I say how it is, and nothing more. This will not be the case. I lack the time and ability to write anything short of what will be the longest personal thing I have written, much less shared with anyone. For the sake of anonymity, only pronouns will be used to refer to people, and several things will be taken from previous conversations, both in person, and Instant/Text Messaging, and blog posts of the other person(s), none of which will be linked to.
Thus I begin:

Everything started about the time I started working at Papa John's near the middle of August. For the first bit, life was normal, and everything continued like it had the first 18 years of my life. Then, sometime in mid to late September or even early October, my entire life changed. Before then, I had never shown interest in dances, dating, or anything of the sort. Then I met her. We became friends, finding we had many of the same interests, and were both alike and different in so many ways.

She didn't have a date to homecoming, and I'm not exactly sure how it happened, but it came to the point where we decided that we would go to homecoming, just as friends. Even up to that point, life seemed normal, and I felt nothing different... up until the actual day of the dance.

October 18, the day I consider to have gone on my first date. It started at 10 in the morning and continued on into the early hours of the next day. We went on a picnic type thing, went bowling, played rock band at my house, just hung out for a bit at hers, went out to a movie, got dinner, and went to the dance, got bored with the dance and just hung out at Denny's with some hot chocolate before finally hugging and saying goodbye around 1 am.

Somewhere during all of that, I began to warm up to the normal date things, eventually finding the courage to even try to cuddle (if you can call it that, I had my arm around her waiting to be seated for dinner) and finding myself happy. Happier than I think I'd ever been before that point. Happy to the point where I feel that any happiness before that was fake, like it didn't matter compared to this. There was no comparison.

That night, after the date ended, I went home, and began the first of a long series of crying myself to sleep, wishing I could have ended the date with a kiss. My first kiss. The kiss I still have yet to receive. Even for the next 4 days, I was flipping over my pillow to find a dry spot to actually sleep on. That's when I finally realized that I was in love. Throughout the next few days or weeks or some amount of time (These past two and a half months since Homecoming have been some of the longest I have ever experienced. Even Homecoming seems like it was so long ago...) she made it clear that she wanted to be just friends. And I was cool with that. Or at least, I thought I was. I became attached, and went through some of the happiest, best moments of my life, and at the same time fell to what felt like the worst, horrible, miserable things I have ever experienced.

So we stayed just friends. We hung out, we did the normal friend stuff. All the time with me becoming more and more attached, and her insisting we were nothing more. Somehow, I eventually worked up the courage to ask why, to try to and become more than "just friends", to try and get out of friendzone. Every time I tried it always came back to arguments such as "I'm a terrible person" or, "I would be corrupting you" or the dreaded "You can do better than me." I hear the last one and could only say one thing: You think I can do better, that may be true... But I do not need better. I do not want better.

But I didn't say it. I was too scared to say it.

I'm not going to get into the details of her life, but things happened that I can't even begin to explain, and I tried to be there for her, trying to find something I could say that would make it all better, as if I could make the pain go away. But of course, I was speechless. I wanted to cry out with all my heart, but the words would not come. I felt like there should have been something I could do, and there was not. It was agonizing. Nothing I'd ever felt before could come close to the pain of seeing her hurt, and me standing around like there was nothing I could do. Nothing but be there. Which is what I did. I was there, trying to do everything I could, hoping, and praying, that everything would work out.

Even up to this day, if I'm correct, her pain still exists, it still feels there's nothing I can do but be there. But it doesn't feel like it's enough. I know what I want. I know what I wish to say. But I am too afraid to say it. I'm to afraid to write it down in the off chance that she may see it. Afraid to tell anyone at all. Worried about what would happen to the friendship if I were to say how I truly feel.

After (maybe still during, I'm not even sure) that whole ordeal, it almost seemed like she too wanted something a little more. The time she came over to watch some TV, as she rested her head on my shoulder, or in my lap, and I worked up the courage to put my arm around her again, a gentle caress of my arm, the holding of my hand, everything exactly the way it should. I felt so happy, that I cannot find the words to describe it. Everything seemed good. It happened again, at a different place, laying her head on my stomach, everything seeming fine. Even on Christmas Eve, her offering her hand for me to hold walking down the aisle of Walgreens...

But sometimes, we hung out, either to watch a movie or TV or something, and I wished and hoped that I could even hold her hand, or stroke her hair or anything of the sort would happen, and it wouldn't happen. I'd be so confused. I don't know what happened between the time, I don't know why, I don't understand! Every time, too scared to ask why, trying to ease my way into getting her to say something, never having the courage to directly ask...

Even now I'm scared out of my mind writing this. It took weeks to find the strength to start writing it. It may take a few days to work up the courage to post it. And if I get to that point, I may never even tell anyone about it. If they happen to stumble upon it, good for them, they know how I feel. If I manage to finally tell someone and they decide to look and to read... I don't even know where I'm going with this. That's the majority of what's happened up until this point. What remains to be said is going to be hardest thing to write that I've ever tried. Harder than every timed writing for english class, every essay due the next day that I have yet to start...

Everything I want to say... being so scared, so upset, so hurt, devastated, confused... The uncontrollable crying, more in the last two and a half months than I believe ever before in my life... even now, stopping every few lines to wipe up the tears...

This is what I do not have the courage to say...

I... I love you. I have never felt anything even remotely close to this ever before... Every time we hang out, I feel so happy... happier than I can begin to describe with words. If I'm at your house, I'm happy to be there, and miserable on the drive home. If you're at mine... my heart leaps with joy that knows no bounds, and when you go to leave, I miss you before you're even down the street. I wish I could say more while you're here, I wish I had just a little more time before you had to go...

For you... I felt as if I could do anything for you. I'd give up a week to spend a single day together... I'd give a whole day just to see a smile on your beautiful face, even only for a second... I will do whatever it takes to try to make you happy. I feel there is nothing I can do, and I want you tell me what I could possibly do...

You are the only thought that churns in my head. I sit at my computer and glance at the IM just to see if you're online... I check my phone in the hopes that maybe you send me a message... I spend time wondering if I'm even a little thought in your mind at all... I could say you mean the world to me... but that doesn't sound important enough. I'd forsake the world, I'd give it all up for you. The very thought of a world without you destroys me... Even if I try to distract myself, if I try to play video games, and I see you come online, I want to just set down the controller and talk, even if I have nothing to say.

If you see this, which I'm sure you will, as I'm going to tell you about it once I can convince myself to do so, I don't want to lose the friendship we have... You mean everything to me, even if you don't feel the same about me. I won't try to pretend that I understand why. All that I know is that I care more about you then I have ever cared about anything else, more then anything I have ever worked to earn, more then anything money can buy... more then I can even begin to describe.

That is what I'm afraid say. Every time we hang out, I strive to mean something, I strive to somehow show that I truly deeply care. I'm doing everything that I know how to do, and please, please, let me know if I'm doing something wrong, if there's something I can do better, and I'll do my best. I do better than my best. I'll do anything that I can...

I love you. And one day...

One day I pray that I may get the same response. Even if it's not today, if it isn't next week, that's fine too. But someday. Someday, maybe I'll feel important, someday maybe I'll have every thing I've ever want, every thing I need. Someday...

What can I do? It never seems like enough

Things to come

Something that's been put off for entirely too long...